A Party For One

This week I just have to be fully honest with you all. I had a post all written, (I was even pretty excited about it!) yet I just know that it has to wait and today I just need to give you a dose of truth from my heart. For the past two days I’ve had the bug of discouragement. An attitude of comparison and a great big pity party happening.

 

IT WAS UGLY. MY HEART WAS A WRETCHED UGLY PLACE.

 

Don’t feel sorry for me, I tell you that right now I don’t deserve it. I got mad at God. I was steaming mad. It began with the loss of a life and then turned into more yuck. I guess that is one of the stages of grief now that I think about, but there was really no excuse for it. Ugly I tell ya!

 

The anger turned quickly into this comparison of other peoples lives. Remember I struggle with people pleasing, well this week I was introduced to her cousin.

 

I’ve been feeling a bit proud of myself lately, thinking this need to people please was improving. That I was worrying less about others and focusing more on what the Lord had for me. Until comparison showed up at my door Friday morning as soon as I woke up from a nightmare. It began with a quiet whisper of, a friend doesn’t really like you. You really aren’t needed. Those other friendships she has are so much better.

 

Instead of recognizing the lie and telling satan to get out of my house, I allowed him to wreak havoc over my mind and heart for the next two days.

 

I allowed him to tell me that my season of study was unimportant.

 

I allowed him to tell me that God had nothing of purpose for me.

 

I allowed him to tell me I was a mediocre mom.

 

I allowed him to tell me I had only failures in my life, that I had accomplished nothing successful.

 

I allowed him to diminish my entire life.

 

Yes it truly was that bad you only need to ask my husband.

 

I tell you these things not for you to feel sorry for me but because I have to.  Trust me as I woke up from my Sunday nap, got dinner in the oven and felt the Lord saying there is a new post to write. I said, but I don’t want to! But I recalled a quote I had seen on the Propel Woman Facebook page earlier in the afternoon.

 

“Are you willing and able to use your pain as a microphone and bless someone else while going through your own storm?” Levi Lusko

 

"Are you willing and able to use your pain as a microphone and bless someone else while going through your own storm?" Levi Lusko

 

So I had to tell you of my pain, my redemption so that someone might be blessed.

 

In the midst of my gigantic pity party I invited my husband into the hot mess of it. I really just wanted a little pat on the back and a awww it’ll be ok. Ladies my hubby is a quiet guy and yesterday I heard more words of truth (painful truth) spoken over me all at once than maybe ever before in our 18 years of knowing each other.

 

I don’t even remember the words really, just that they busted through the lies satan had smeared all over me. I couldn’t fully absorb them and erase my anger and guilt until this morning.  When in church during a song that repeated the name of Jesus several times, with my hands raised and tears streaming down my face. I asked for His forgiveness. Forgiveness for impatience. Forgiveness for comparing and wanting another’s path. Forgiveness for my wretched sinful heart.

 

With the grace and forgiveness that only Jesus comes with, he embraced my heart. He wiped my tears and filled me with peace. Peace that I do have a purpose. Peace that it’s ok to be in a season of study and that it isn’t a trite place to be. Peace about Winter.

 

If you are in a place of believing even a little lie that satan is whispering in your ear I encourage you just to say the name of Jesus. The wretchedness that our heart can have at times won’t want to, but I encourage you to do it. His name alone can bring peace over the yuckiest of hearts. His life alone can bring forgiveness over our darkest of sin.

 

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1st John 1:9

 

Friends I long to be authentic, hopefully not too much, but this is me. I am failed. I am unsure. I am forgiven. I am redeemed. I have purpose. All of my days I will strive to be a truth teller for the sake of encouraging others and showing off how big our God is.

I am failedI am failed. I am unsure. I am forgiven. I am redeemed. I have purpose. All of my days I will strive to be a truth teller for the sake of encouraging others and showing off how big our God is.

I know I haven’t shared anything new here, but I imagine that someone else might be in the middle of a pity party. A party for one that no one else even knows is happening. Because we can be really good about polishing up those masks and getting them just right. Well sweet friend I see you. You are not alone.

You are loved.

You are not mediocre.

You are forgiven.

You are redeemed.

 

You can find me one these awesome blogs!

featured on #wordswithwinter link up

This week I’m featuring Karen of Growing Together in Grace and Knowledge. Her post of obedience in the hard stuff is an encouragement for all of us!

 

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Comments

  1. Winter, you are such an inspiration, Dear Heart! Your words are raw, but powerful an true! Thank you so much for following the prompting of THE HOLY SPIRIT to share this with us. You have greatly encouraged my heart. GOD bless you, beautiful friend! 🙂

  2. I throw parties with that same theme sometimes, and I’m pretty crummy company. Thanks for your honest words today. We need to be transparent here, or what’s the point? Praying with you now that you would continue this week to walk in truth.
    Blessings.

    • Yes, you are so right, transparency is the only way to live! Thank you so much for your prayers and encouragement!

  3. Oh Winter. If I could count how many pity parties I’ve had with all the same emotions you expressed here, I’d be a rich lady. Seriously. It grabs at our very soul destroying everything we work so hard at being. One negative can wipe out all the positives. Yet, you nailed it. Calling out the name of Jesus and asking Him for redemption is the key to take care of the party. I don’t know why we women feel we have to do this to ourselves. Satan, he knows where are weaknesses are and will attack. Being transparent here with your readers is a blessing because I will tell you, you are not alone in your feelings. You are just one of the brave ones to share it. Love this!

  4. As I was ready your words I was thinking, “Sunday’s coming!” and indeed it does come! Thankful for the words of truth spoken over you by your husband, thankful for God’s mercy and grace in your life, and ours. Thankful for authentic hearts, like yours, Winter, that share truth, and speak redemption. Bless you.

  5. Thanks you so much Winter for being, real, raw and honest! It is a rare thins to find and then to give it to Jesus! Beauty for ashes my sister in Christ! So proud of you for proclaiming Gods truth!!

  6. Just tonight I was sharing a failure with my husband. Thanks for encouraging me.

  7. Thank you for reminding us all of the truths which God speaks over our lives!

  8. Winter,

    Thank you so much for featuring my post. You have greatly encouraged me.

    And thank you for always writing with authenticity and transparency, truly a “friend sharpening a friend”. 🙂

    🙂

  9. It’s not always easy to silence the enemy … sometimes it’s easier to just give in to what he’s telling us. Thank you so much for this word of encouragement. A great reminder for all of us!

  10. We all go through it. I think it’s part of growing our faith. See, it made you stronger in the end. 🙂
    Thanks for being so honest. We have learned from your experience and for me, that is I’m not alone in this journey.

  11. Sweet Winter, thank you for your honesty. And guess what…that post you thought you didn’t have? Well, your simple confession and authenticity was your post, and we all need to be reminded that we have days. Don’t be too hard on yourself. We all are taken in by those lies. Yours didn’t last long, and it sounds like you have a very wise and sensitive husband. He took the lead and became the “head of the house” so to speak. Praise God for a house undivided! Keep serving the Lord and forget the past-strain toward what is ahead! Thanks for your vulnerability. It makes us love you more!

  12. Thank you for sharing this. It encouraged my lately discouraged heart.

  13. You aren’t the only one. I’ve been in the midst of spiritual warfare the past few weeks. That’s what it is you know? The enemy just wants to shut us up, get us down in discouragement and keep us shut in. I believe he has stepped it up, but “we are more than conquerors through Christ!” God has the last word. Rise up sister, don’t get caught up in the distractions. Keep walking forward and doing what He called and anointed you to do. Stay in the Word. He has a special way of speaking that one Word to encourage us and keep us going. I pray He does that for you.

  14. How great our need to keep our eyes on Jesus. The gym says,
    Lord,from myself I gladly turn
    in Thee God’s grace and truth to learn …

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