This week I just have to be fully honest with you all. I had a post all written, (I was even pretty excited about it!) yet I just know that it has to wait and today I just need to give you a dose of truth from my heart. For the past two days I’ve had the bug of discouragement. An attitude of comparison and a great big pity party happening.
IT WAS UGLY. MY HEART WAS A WRETCHED UGLY PLACE.
Don’t feel sorry for me, I tell you that right now I don’t deserve it. I got mad at God. I was steaming mad. It began with the loss of a life and then turned into more yuck. I guess that is one of the stages of grief now that I think about, but there was really no excuse for it. Ugly I tell ya!
The anger turned quickly into this comparison of other peoples lives. Remember I struggle with people pleasing, well this week I was introduced to her cousin.
I’ve been feeling a bit proud of myself lately, thinking this need to people please was improving. That I was worrying less about others and focusing more on what the Lord had for me. Until comparison showed up at my door Friday morning as soon as I woke up from a nightmare. It began with a quiet whisper of, a friend doesn’t really like you. You really aren’t needed. Those other friendships she has are so much better.
Instead of recognizing the lie and telling satan to get out of my house, I allowed him to wreak havoc over my mind and heart for the next two days.
I allowed him to tell me that my season of study was unimportant.
I allowed him to tell me that God had nothing of purpose for me.
I allowed him to tell me I was a mediocre mom.
I allowed him to tell me I had only failures in my life, that I had accomplished nothing successful.
I allowed him to diminish my entire life.
Yes it truly was that bad you only need to ask my husband.
I tell you these things not for you to feel sorry for me but because I have to. Trust me as I woke up from my Sunday nap, got dinner in the oven and felt the Lord saying there is a new post to write. I said, but I don’t want to! But I recalled a quote I had seen on the Propel Woman Facebook page earlier in the afternoon.
“Are you willing and able to use your pain as a microphone and bless someone else while going through your own storm?” Levi Lusko
So I had to tell you of my pain, my redemption so that someone might be blessed.
In the midst of my gigantic pity party I invited my husband into the hot mess of it. I really just wanted a little pat on the back and a awww it’ll be ok. Ladies my hubby is a quiet guy and yesterday I heard more words of truth (painful truth) spoken over me all at once than maybe ever before in our 18 years of knowing each other.
I don’t even remember the words really, just that they busted through the lies satan had smeared all over me. I couldn’t fully absorb them and erase my anger and guilt until this morning. When in church during a song that repeated the name of Jesus several times, with my hands raised and tears streaming down my face. I asked for His forgiveness. Forgiveness for impatience. Forgiveness for comparing and wanting another’s path. Forgiveness for my wretched sinful heart.
With the grace and forgiveness that only Jesus comes with, he embraced my heart. He wiped my tears and filled me with peace. Peace that I do have a purpose. Peace that it’s ok to be in a season of study and that it isn’t a trite place to be. Peace about Winter.
If you are in a place of believing even a little lie that satan is whispering in your ear I encourage you just to say the name of Jesus. The wretchedness that our heart can have at times won’t want to, but I encourage you to do it. His name alone can bring peace over the yuckiest of hearts. His life alone can bring forgiveness over our darkest of sin.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1st John 1:9
Friends I long to be authentic, hopefully not too much, but this is me. I am failed. I am unsure. I am forgiven. I am redeemed. I have purpose. All of my days I will strive to be a truth teller for the sake of encouraging others and showing off how big our God is.
I know I haven’t shared anything new here, but I imagine that someone else might be in the middle of a pity party. A party for one that no one else even knows is happening. Because we can be really good about polishing up those masks and getting them just right. Well sweet friend I see you. You are not alone.
You are loved.
You are not mediocre.
You are forgiven.
You are redeemed.
This week I’m featuring Karen of Growing Together in Grace and Knowledge. Her post of obedience in the hard stuff is an encouragement for all of us!