Blog friends, this post might not be your favorite. I understand, and that’s ok! This is a post that has been swirling around for a long time and it needed to be written so one day my kids have my thoughts from when they were 12 and 8. I hate that it took me this long to write it! I want to tell each one of you just how much I appreciate the love you’ve given me since coming back! It amazes me that I was missed (ridiculous insecurity revealing itself there, I guess) and that you noticed my absence. You melt my heart and blow my mind!!
To my sweet and crazy kids,
Brandon my first born, who taught me to be a mom, I’m so grateful that you are an easy-going, roll-with-it-kind of kid! I certainly didn’t have all the instruction manuals when I started and I still don’t. You taught me to be less selfish. When you knocked my tiny little bottle of expensive perfume off the shelf in the bathroom and I was hit with a flash of anger at first, until I realized that no matter the cost of a thing it was not as valuable as you. I’m sorry for being a mom who has to learn her lessons the hard way, for being slow to realize the value of you over stuff.
You’ve taught me boys aren’t just rough and tumble but boys can treasure their moms. When you were a toddler I didn’t always think I was important to you, See, you ALWAYS wanted to be off doing boy stuff with Dad or Grandpa. Building, pushing dirt, riding a tractor, none of those required Mom. Now I know that it was a phase and I don’t have to dig in the dirt to be important to you. You show my importance to you by stopping what you are doing to give me a hug, by teasing me endlessly about being taller than me, and by wanting to go to the movies or ice cream with me. I love your kindness and patience with your nephews, it gives me a tiny glimpse of you being a man grown up with children of your own. You make me proud to be a mom.
Rachel, my sweet and sassy girl. My mini-me, as you are often called. You have taught me lessons on listening and obeying. I won’t soon forget the time when you kept asking why do I have to, when I had told you to do something. I replied in a frustrated tone I don’t have to explain why, I’m your Mom and you just need to listen. In that moment I got it. I got the fact that, that is how God views us. We ask over and over why. When really we don’t need to know, we only need to listen and do as we’ve been told.
Lately you have been argumentative, always needing to be right, even though there is no more defense to your argument. While I find myself Crazy about this, like pull-my-hair-out-scream-at-the-rafters-kind-of-crazy, because it is meaningless things you stand your ground on. Then it hits me (uhh, today as I thought about starting this post a few hours ago) one day it won’t be meaningless, what you ate when you were a one year old topics, but why you love Jesus topics. Right now is practice for moments that will matter eternally. In the meantime while you practice your voice I will practice patience.
You both make this house a family. You make me a Mom and dad and Dad. You are such a good mix of the two of us, Brandon you got Dad’s sense of humor and quietness and my compassion for others. Rach you got my gullibility (sorry about that) and creativity and Dad’s orneriness. You both are kind, willing to work hard (usually, you’re kids not saints!), and have a deep love of video games, all thanks to your dad (that one I just don’t think I can ever jump on board with, I’m terrible at them-laughably so!)
I’m so thankful that I get to be your mom, it is a joy to watch you grow up. I hope that you forgive me for my imperfections, that I’m not the cause for any therapy needs. I pray that you will grow up to love the Lord and find favor with Him and His people. I pray that you will learn that loving people is always better than loving stuff. I hope that you both always remember you are Lawsons and we know Who’s we are and we always trust Him, even when it is hard. I thank you both for the lessons you’ve taught me, you make me a better person.